2019年4月19日 星期五

Day0-180 我是誰 (2)

what do i want?
i want to be happy.

why am i not happy?

i am suppressing myself by taking the second choice for feeling safe.

why

i believed the second choice would bring me fame and love

which is having more money and being a successful businesswoman

that image and that desire are strong and look overwhelming

i keep thinking of " how they are going to judge me??????"

i am insane.

the pain that i didn't let go of, is that i was hurt when i was told
"judy, you are not good enough".

“you are not that important, because...No one cares”

i want to share a story of myself, i was 15.
ready? let's jump into the time tunnel


my teacher smiles at me and tell me I am a dark horse at the last month of my junior school time.
-->-->-->I am 15, I am going to graduate from school.
-->-->-->--> I stand in the line with all of my classmates, preparing for the coming graduation.
-->-->-->-->-->I feel exited.
-->-->-->-->-->-->I am pretty enjoyed, I feel my body is relaxed and soft.
-->-->-->-->-->-->-->I think: I am finally free!
-->-->I move with the line, forward to my teacher.
-->-->--> I stand in front of my teacher, he gives me a card, which is my certificate.
-->-->-->--> I think: that is my certificate, oh right! I am going to be praised by school because I get into a good school.
 -->--> My teacher gives me the card with a big smile. I can barely see his eyes.
-->-->--> He says: Congratulations Judy! You are the dark horse in our class, good job Judy!
-->-->-->-->I think: I am a dark horse? Teacher looks satisfied with my job, yes! I am good because I made all of it. Yeah I have the potential! I have value, I am not that bad.
-->-->I think: Teacher must doesn’t expect me to be here, he doesn’t know. Why he looks so proud of me as if we are so close? he must feel surprised and happy. I am valued because I have what he wants.
-->-->-->I feel there is a little pressure on my stomach.
-->-->I think: This teacher doesn’t really care about me.
-->-->I feel the pressure move to my chest.
-->-->-->I smile and raise my eyebrows and I look at his face with my eyes open widely, I say: Thank you teacher!
-->--> We shake hands.
-->-->-->I don’t want to look at his face.
-->-->-->-->I think: No one knows what is this for. They don't really care about me, but even now I myself don't care.
-->-->-->-->--> I feel awkward.
-->-->-->-->-->-->I carefully turn off my smile.
-->-->-->-->-->-->-->I don't want to look like a silly person smiling for nothing but a good name that everyone can come and take advantage from it but even myself doubt the value.
-->-->I turn around and leave.
-->-->-->I feel I am not that big and important.
-->-->I lift my body, act like I am big and confident.
-->-->-->I want to act like I am excellent and I am an elite in nature.
-->-->-->-->I think: in this way, no one can come to me easily and take advantage from me.


more to come, thank you

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