what do i want?
i want to be happy.
why am i not happy?
i am suppressing myself by taking the second choice for feeling safe.
why
i believed the second choice would bring me fame and love
which is having more money and being a successful businesswoman
that image and that desire are strong and look overwhelming
i keep thinking of " how they are going to judge me??????"
i am insane.
the pain that i didn't let go of, is that i was hurt when i was told
"judy, you are not good enough".
“you are not that important, because...No one cares”
i want to share a story of myself, i was 15.
ready? let's jump into the time tunnel
my teacher
smiles at me and tell me I am a dark horse at the last month of my junior
school time.
-->-->-->I am 15, I am going to graduate
from school.
-->-->-->--> I stand in the line with
all of my classmates, preparing for the coming graduation.
-->-->-->-->-->I feel exited.
-->-->-->-->-->-->I am pretty
enjoyed, I feel my body is relaxed and soft.
-->-->-->-->-->-->-->I think:
I am finally free!
-->-->I move with the line, forward to my
teacher.
-->-->--> I stand in front of my teacher,
he gives me a card, which is my certificate.
-->-->-->--> I think: that is my certificate,
oh right! I am going to be praised by school because I get into a good school.
-->-->
My teacher gives me the card with a big smile. I can barely see his eyes.
-->-->--> He says: Congratulations Judy!
You are the dark horse in our class, good job Judy!
-->-->-->-->I think: I am a dark horse?
Teacher looks satisfied with my job, yes! I am good because I made all of it.
Yeah I have the potential! I have value, I am not that bad.
-->-->I think: Teacher must doesn’t expect me
to be here, he doesn’t know. Why he looks so proud of me as if we are so close?
he must feel surprised and happy. I am valued because I have what he wants.
-->-->-->I feel there is a little pressure
on my stomach.
-->-->I think: This teacher doesn’t really
care about me.
-->-->I feel the pressure move to my chest.
-->-->-->I smile and raise my eyebrows and
I look at his face with my eyes open widely, I say: Thank you teacher!
-->--> We shake hands.
-->-->-->I don’t want to look at his face.
-->-->-->-->I think: No one knows what
is this for. They don't really care about me, but even now I myself don't care.
-->-->-->-->--> I feel awkward.
-->-->-->-->-->-->I carefully
turn off my smile.
-->-->-->-->-->-->-->I don't
want to look like a silly person smiling for nothing but a good name that
everyone can come and take advantage from it but even myself doubt the value.
-->-->I turn around and leave.
-->-->-->I feel I am not that big and
important.
-->-->I lift my body, act like I am big and
confident.
-->-->-->I want to act like I am excellent
and I am an elite in nature.
-->-->-->-->I think: in this way, no
one can come to me easily and take advantage from me.
more to come, thank you
