2018年6月6日 星期三

Day 0-170 內心的焦慮與自我批判

我沈迷於各種資訊,而同時我在內心有著焦慮,思考著我要讀書,否則我會找不到工作。
我覺得我做不到,看了各種資訊,我還是覺得,我會走馬看花,我不會真的學起來,我沒有動力,我沒有辦法....

我覺得我不行...我覺得我不配穿這個襯衫。我覺得我沒有辦法工作。我覺得我的腳破皮很悲慘。我覺得我很慘。我覺得我把自己搞得很慘。

我覺得我很卑微。我覺得我很沒用。我覺得我什麼都不會。
我覺得我沒有辦法回答問題。我不會笑話,我害怕我找不到工作。

我害怕我其實根本沒有資格獲得到這份工作。
我覺得我在面對面試官的時候,我的要求,我的話,都是不成熟而且都會造成反效果,我覺得當面試官深吸一口氣,或是他對我的問題露出皺眉或是等等之類的表情,我就覺得我被扣分,我做了一件不該做的事。我說了一句很沒水準的話,我的問題很笨拙。

我覺得我一點技能都沒有。
我覺得一直哭,不會解決事情,我會一直停在這裡,我會一直困在這裡,沒有進步,蹉跎我的機會,我會一直爛下去,找不到工作,變成米蟲。

我感覺到這強大的無力感。
改變不了,無法移動,不想要移動。
我看見我總是傾向於躲藏,逃避我改變的責任。
i allow myself  to be comfortable with giving up immediately, allow myself to not have to make effort to change and find solutions.
i am so far easily thinking "i don't want to work hard on anything" i don't want to be responsible for my reality ,my job, i don't want to learn anything for specific survival skills.

我覺得我不想書寫。有很多事情我想趕快解決。我想趕快有一個工作。
i feel the resistance of writing, thinking there are things need to be solved rather than that, i want to have a job ASAP for not having to face the fear of finding a job.
i fear to expose myself, i fear to introduce myself, i fear to speak because i think i am not good at speaking, i feel i am numb.

i believe i cannot change the way i speak, because in my experience i always have this tendency to act this way, or i just gave up trying so easily by feeling this new way is not who i am, feeling the blame/critic thinking i was weird and not real within the expression.

i believe i am not able to show myself in a proper way, like i want to be cool when speaking, i want to act confidently during the interview, i want to act that i am OK no matter what they say or how they react to my words.

i want myself to act perfect, my stance, my attitude, my face, my words, all to be cool.
i want me to make all those done during the interview.
i fear to fail, i fear the unknown for if i didn't make it.
i fear, i believe that would be a disaster if i didn't play on the right script because i believe i can only get a job when i am ready for everything including the lines/mannerism during the interview that i prepare/ think for myself.

 i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe i can only do things that are well planned.
i forgive myself  for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself when i face the questions that i did not prepare for.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe i cannot speak without well planning/preparing, believe i can't speak because i will fail and make mistakes.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting the manager not satisfied with my answers, fearing that i am not good for him/her.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the belief that i am not able to really be good at interviewing for the past experiences that i always went nervous and my mind got blank during the speaking or my stance, my breath, my speaking speeds and tone became unstable, my words sounded a bit pointless or i would repeat the same point with no perfect arrangement while expressing my experiences or my opinions.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i am not able to change the position i am at, believing i am this inferiority, believing i am not going to answer questions well.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think they will feel this or that and i need to do this and that to meet their "expectations" that i "assume" they will have in my mind.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become this inferiority, not giving myself a chance to see/face and learn from the experience.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anxious for still looking for a job and fearing the disbelief or concern from others.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i need to answer perfectly to not let the other get maybe unsatisfied or disappointed.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be direct to the answer, not seeing that i can change my words by for instance just stop making promises in just every case, instead i make up decision for myself inside me toward the situation to slow down and make sure that i know where i am, aware what i actually need to do for that.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear people would judge me for not getting a job or doing a job that is not "respectable/admired/expected" by people or the society.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be a bitch, fear to reject or to say the thing that i guess/assume the other would be angry at me or feel disappointed, that i fear they becoming angry or upset or disappointed BECAUSE OF ME.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear people don't hire me because i believe i am not hired shows i am not good enough.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define i am not good enough for my self-judgement for not having a good performance, saying something bizard or stupid.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be accused of a MENTAL CRIME by others that i fear to be looked down and isolated from the society for not able to be socialized.